When You Want Them to Go to a Meeting

Key takeaway

You can want them in a meeting and still be unable to put an adult there. A.A. membership is voluntary, even when pressure is why someone first walked in. Nobody can predict who will recover. Tonight, get yourself to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. If they are willing, you can ask about treatment. If they are overdosing or violent, call 911.

Last updated: Tue Oct 06 2026 00:00:00 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time)

You have the address in your notes. You have said "just come with me" so many times it sounds like begging, even to you. They are on the couch, or they are not home, or they are home and already gone in the way that scares you. You cannot pick up an adult and carry them into willingness. If you could, you would have done it already.

That helplessness is not a failure of love. It is the shape of the thing. You can want them in a room full of people who have stopped. You still do not get to decide that they want to stop.

What A.A. will and will not do with pressure

Meetings welcome people who show up because a court sent them, or because a treatment facility did. Membership is voluntary anyway. A lot of people in those rooms first came because someone pressured them. A partner. A parent. A judge. Who made the referral is not what A.A. is interested in. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. You do not pay dues to get in the door.

A.A. cannot predict who will recover. It has no authority to decide how recovery should be sought. So the speech you have been polishing, the one that ends with "if you loved us you would go," is not a key. Some people go because they are tired of the fight and then stay because of what they hear. Some people go once and do not go back. You will not know which person you love is, tonight, from the couch.

If they do walk in, they can sit and listen. Sharing is up to them. Introducing themselves is not mandatory. Closed meetings are for people with a drinking problem who have a desire to stop drinking, or for members. Open meetings are for anyone interested in the program, and a nonalcoholic may attend as an observer. You can read the finder guide so the listing you hand them is a real one. Confirm it. Do not turn the handoff into a cross-examination.

The meeting you can actually attend

Your chair is the one with your name on the fear. If the problem is their drinking, Al-Anon is mutual support for people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. You can find help there whether or not they admit a problem or seek help. The Al-Anon guide and the family guide are that room. How to find a meeting is the lookup. If a teenager is caught in it, Alateen is the fellowship for young people, mostly teenagers, affected by someone else's drinking.

If the problem is their drug use, Nar-Anon is the worldwide fellowship for people affected by someone else's addiction. The only requirement is a problem of addiction in a relative or friend. No dues. Not affiliated with any other organization. One person speaks at a time. You can just listen. The focus stays on you, not on their problems or their treatment. It is suggested you try at least six meetings before you decide. The Nar-Anon guide is what to expect when you are the one who walks in.

Neither room will tell you to stay or to leave. You are allowed to want them to get help and still go sit down without them.

If you have been picturing a surprise gathering in the living room, stop there. The interventions guide is the longer reading on a planned talk with a next step. Do not build one tonight out of panic. Do not write them a script. Do not invite a circle of relatives over to corner an adult who is already scared or already high.

When willing is real, and when it is an emergency

If they are willing, that is the moment for treatment options, not another argument about their character. Call (800) 653-9376. The call is free to you. Treatment providers pay for the referral. The line is not an A.A. office, and it is not SMART Recovery. SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), is a treatment referral line, free and confidential, in English and Spanish. FindTreatment.gov lists licensed care. You can look before they say yes, so you are not scrambling. You still wait for their yes before you sign them up for a life they have not agreed to.

If they are overdosing, if they are violent, or if you are not safe, call 911. Do it before you look for a church basement. If you are the one coming apart, call or text 988. If they have been drinking heavily and they stop suddenly, NIAAA says withdrawal can be life-threatening. A meeting cannot manage that. The emergency withdrawal guide is the medical page. NIDA is clear that mutual-help groups are peer-led, not led by healthcare professionals, and not a substitute for treatment.

Tonight, search meetings for your meeting, and confirm the listing. The search on this site is not a verified directory. Put your shoes on for the room that will take you as you are, even if their shoes stay by the door.

Additional Resources

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Common Questions

Can I make an adult go to A.A.?

You can ask. You can offer a ride. You cannot drag a grown person into willingness. A.A. meetings welcome people who were sent by courts and treatment programs, and membership is still voluntary. Many members first came because someone pressured them. Who made the referral is not what A.A. is interested in. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. A.A. cannot predict who will recover, and it has no authority to decide how recovery should be sought.

What can I do tonight if they will not go?

Go yourself. Al-Anon is mutual support for people affected by someone else's drinking, and you can find help there whether or not that person admits a problem or seeks help. Nar-Anon is for people affected by someone else's addiction. The only requirement is that problem in a relative or friend. You can just listen. The focus in Nar-Anon stays on you. Search for a family meeting and confirm the listing. Their refusal does not cancel your chair.

Should I plan an intervention tonight?

Not as a surprise you assemble at midnight. The interventions guide explains a planned family talk tied to a real next step. Do not gather people to ambush an adult because you are scared and wide awake. If they are willing, you can talk about treatment. If they are overdosing, violent, or you are being hurt, call 911. A meeting list is not a crisis team.

What if they say they will go and then they do not?

That happens. Willingness can show up and leave in the same evening. You still cannot predict who will recover. You can keep the listing bookmarked for the night they actually want it. You can stop re-reading it to them. Your own meeting does not depend on their follow-through. Al-Anon will sit with you whether or not they seek help. If the whiplash is making you feel crazy, that is a reason to go to your meeting, not a reason to write a longer speech.

When is it treatment, not a meeting?

When they are willing to look at care, call the number on this site and ask about options. The call is free to you. A meeting is peer support. NIDA says mutual-help groups are not led by healthcare professionals and are not a substitute for treatment. If they have been drinking heavily and stop suddenly, NIAAA says withdrawal can be life-threatening. You cannot supervise that in the living room. Call 911 for an overdose, a seizure, violence, or danger. Call or text 988 if you are in crisis.