Al-Anon for Parents, Spouses, and Adult Children

The folding chairs do not sort you. The shame does. You called the job this morning with another excuse. A parent in the next chair may have driven past an old apartment on the way here. Someone else still knows the night from the sound of a key. The same Tuesday meeting can hold all of that. Al-Anon has one door. The program is for anyone affected by someone else's drinking, whether or not that person gets help.

The tools are shared. The family guide is those tools, especially the Three C's and what members mean by detachment. The seat you are actually in changes how they land.

If someone is hurting you, call 911. If you are in crisis, call or text 988.

If you share a bed with the drinking

You live with the evidence. You check the mood before you speak. The meeting will not tell you to stay, and it will not tell you to leave. Members who have been in your chair talk about what they did, including the years they spent trying to manage another adult. They speak from their own lives. That includes the marriage. Nobody is there to hand you a verdict on it.

The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage is the book written for this relationship: anger, how you talk, and sex, in members' words. Discovering Choices is wider, about many kinds of relationships touched by alcoholism. The literature guide says how people get them. You can go for a long time before you read either one.

Detachment is the word you will hear when you talk about not covering for them. The handout Detachment (S-19) says separating yourself from the effects of someone's drinking does not have to mean leaving the house, and that you can still love the person without liking the behavior. Don B., writing on the fellowship's site about his son, said he learned that detaching with love does not mean abandoning. You have been focused on what they drink, where they are, and how to control it. The guilt you are carrying may not be yours. Caring can stay. Managing the drink can stop. The boundaries guide is about limits you set. A slogan is not a safety plan. If the house is dangerous, call 911 and leave the meeting question for later.

If your child is the one who drinks

Parents often arrive sure the drinking is a verdict on how they raised the child. The line members learn early is that they did not cause it, they cannot control it, and they cannot cure it. Persuasion and silence do not force another person to stop, and they can make the guilt worse. That is a brutal sentence when love and supervision were the same job for years. The child who drinks now is not the small child you could still pick up, even when they still live in the house.

To Parents of Alcoholics is parent sharings and questions, aimed at the fear and guilt of realizing your child drinks. It is not a script for an intervention. The guide on helping someone who does not want help is the limit on what you can force. The family-support guide is what changes if they do enter treatment.

Do not mix this seat up with Alateen. If your child drinks, you belong in Al-Anon. If another adult in the house drinks and your teenager is living in it, your teenager belongs in Alateen, and you still belong in Al-Anon. How Can I Help My Children? is the pamphlet for that second situation. Same building, sometimes the same hour, two different meetings.

If you grew up in it

You can be 50 and still be the kid who learned the mood of the house before the times tables. The parent does not have to still be drinking, or even alive. You can seek help whether or not the person is still drinking. The first group for adult children registered with the World Service Office in 1974. Before that, adult children were already in the rooms. They just did not have a name on a form.

Hope for Today is the daily reader from those members. From Survival to Recovery is the 1994 book, the first written for and by people who grew up with alcoholism. Did You Grow Up with a Problem Drinker? is twenty questions. There is also a short welcome written for adult children. None of that is a diagnosis. The adult-children guide is where the separate ACA fellowship is spelled out. ACA's door is growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family, and the dysfunction can be the reason even when alcohol was not in the home. Al-Anon's door is still someone else's drinking. Some people use both. They are not the same meeting.

What you can do tonight

You can speak or pass. You can try six meetings before you decide. That is Al-Anon's recommendation, not a contract. You do not pay dues, and you do not have to wait until they get sober to start. The first meeting is the hour itself. The finder is how you get an address from Al-Anon. If you cannot face a room yet, online meetings are there.

Call or text (800) 653-9376 if you want help finding treatment for the person who drinks, or for yourself. That call is SmarterRecovery. It will not know which group is gentle with newcomers, and it will not tell you whether to stay. If you are in crisis while you are deciding, 988 is the line for that.

Additional Resources

Sources cited on this page:

• Al-Anon Family Groups: What is Al-Anon and Alateen?
• Al-Anon Family Groups: FAQ for newcomers
• Al-Anon Family Groups: Al-Anon's Three Cs
• Al-Anon Family Groups: The Secret (Don B. on detachment)
• Al-Anon Family Groups: Detachment (S-19)
• Al-Anon Family Groups: Al-Anon timeline
• Al-Anon Family Groups: A place for adult children of alcoholics
• Al-Anon Family Groups: Catalog of Conference Approved Literature (S-15)
• Al-Anon Family Groups: Find an Al-Anon or Alateen meeting
• Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families: What is ACA
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Common Questions