You Are the Only Man There

You are the only man in the room, and you noticed it before you found the coffee. Maybe you were early and the room filled in around you. Maybe the listing was a single vague line and you guessed. Your hands are on your knees. You are wondering if you wandered into a mistake, and the wondering is loud enough that you have not heard a word the chairperson said.

Breathe once before you decide. You can stay for the meeting you came to find. You can also get up and go. The second option does not require a speech at the door.

Leaving can be the whole decision

If you feel you are in the wrong room, leave. Do it at the break. Do it before you sit, if you are still standing in the back. You do not have to explain the exit, apologize for the chair you used, or announce that you will try again. A wrong-room feeling is enough. People misread listings. Groups describe themselves in a few words, and a word you needed might have been missing. Walking out is not a resignation from wanting to stop drinking.

Membership is still a desire to stop drinking after you are back in the parking lot. The night can hold a second try. Meetings are held in person, online, or by phone. Online, you can keep video off. A dial-in works if you do not want a camera at all. Phone meetings and online meetings are the same desire with a different doorway. How to find a meeting helps when you need a fresh listing instead of a debate with yourself in the car.

The meetings search here is not verified. Confirm whatever you open next. A second wrong door in one night is maddening, and a quick check prevents some of them.

Staying is also allowed

The newcomer welcome includes gender. It also names race, sexual orientation, religion, income, and profession. A night when you are the only man does not erase that. If this is a mixed meeting and you can stand the hour, stay and listen. You may find that the conspicuous feeling fades once people start talking about drinking instead of looking at who came in. You may not. You are allowed to learn which one it is by sitting still for a while.

You do not have to speak. Introducing newcomers is not mandatory. If a turn comes toward you, pass. You do not have to join a prayer. Listening counts. What the hour tends to feel like and a beginner meeting are there if the format is the confusing part and the gender count is only salt on top. There are no dues or fees. The basket, if it passes, is up to you.

Open versus closed is worth a glance so you know what the listing meant. Closed is for members, or for people who have a drinking problem and a desire to stop. Open is for anyone interested, and people who do not drink may be there as observers. That label is about the drinking, not about you being a man in a room of women. If you qualify by the desire, a closed mixed meeting can still be your meeting on a lopsided night.

A listing that says men

Some meetings are listed for men. You can look for one. The men's meeting guide is the page for that search. Groups are autonomous about their format except where a choice would hit other groups or A.A. as a whole, and members set the format you actually walk into. A men's listing is something a group puts on its own meeting. It is a place you may want. It is not a verdict that you failed tonight by being the only man somewhere else.

You might use a mixed meeting while you look, or you might decide the men's listing is the only hour you can tell the truth in. Either is a real plan. Confirm the day and the address. Then go, or go online if the building is the problem.

Call 911 if you are sick, confused, or cannot breathe, or if you are not safe where you are standing. Call or text 988 if you are in a mental health crisis. If you have been drinking heavily over time and you stop suddenly, NIAAA says alcohol withdrawal can be life-threatening. Do not ride that out in a parking lot. NIDA says mutual-help groups such as A.A. are peer-led, not led by healthcare professionals, and not a substitute for treatment. They are not detox. FindTreatment.gov lists programs. SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), is free, confidential, and available 24/7 in English and Spanish.

Tonight, choose with your body. Stay if the chair is bearable and listen. Look up a meeting listed for men if that is the room you actually need. If you are in the wrong room, leave without a speech and try a different door before the night is over.

Call (800) 653-9376 if you need treatment; the call is free to you, treatment providers pay for the referral, the line is not an intergroup, and the line is not A.A., and it is not SMART Recovery.

Additional Resources

Sources cited on this page:

• A.A.: New to A.A.
• A.A.: What to Expect at an A.A. Meeting
• A.A.: The Twelve Traditions
• NIDA: Treatment
• NIAAA Core Resource on Alcohol
• SAMHSA National Helpline
• FindTreatment.gov
• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
• SmarterRecovery meetings search
• SmarterRecovery about and referral line

Common Questions