Key takeaway
The harsh sentence shows up before you ask for help. Guilt says you did something bad. Shame says you are bad. Kindness toward yourself can be practiced, including the reminder that other people carry this kind of pain, and you stop if it overwhelms you. Tonight, notice the sentence and let it stay a sentence.
Last updated: Mon Oct 05 2026 00:00:00 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time)
You hear the verdict before you finish the thought. Guilt says you did something bad. Shame says you are bad. That second sentence is the one that makes asking for help feel pointless.
If you might hurt yourself, call or text 988. If someone is hurting you, call 911.
Notice the sentence
A Veterans Health Administration handout treats kindness toward yourself as a skill, and it says that skill is often harder than kindness toward someone else. When the habit is to judge, the practice is to be kind instead, and to notice the thought without piling on. You are not the only person carrying this kind of pain. The aim is to notice the pain without ignoring it and without being swept under it.
Tonight, notice the harsh sentence and name it as guilt or as shame, whichever sentence it actually is. Then try one caring moment. Recall a time you were appreciated or loved, by a person, a pet, or a stranger, or use the plain wish to be happy and free from fear. Every reaction is allowed, including feeling nothing. If you become overwhelmed, stop. You can try again later, or walk through it with a therapist. If the louder sentence is that you are bad, keep going in shame and addiction.
Call or text (800) 653-9376 if you want a counselor to do this with you, alongside care for substance use.
Additional Resources
Sources cited on this page:
- VA Whole Health: Compassion Practice (information for Veterans)
- SAMHSA: Working Definition of Recovery (PEP12-RECDEF)
- SAMHSA: About recovery
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- SAMHSA FindTreatment.gov
- SmarterRecovery about page (referral disclosure)
Common Questions
What do I do if the exercise overwhelms me?
Stop. The VA handout says to care for yourself during the practice and to stop if it overwhelms you. You can try again later, or walk through it with a therapist. Every reaction is allowed, including feeling nothing. The handout is general health information, and it says to use it with your health care team.
What are the loving-kindness phrases?
In one VA program the phrases begin with you: may I be safe, may I be peaceful, may I be kind to myself, may I accept myself as I am. Later the practice can move toward someone you love, then someone neutral, then someone difficult. Do not start with the hardest person. You can stay with the first step for days or weeks.
What has research said about how this feels?
The handout says the practice may help you feel less depressed, stressed, or anxious, more satisfied, with a greater sense of purpose, and with less worry and fear of emotions. Bring it to the clinician who is helping with substance use.
Can I ask for treatment before I feel kind?
Yes. Notice the harsh sentence tonight, and still tell a counselor you want care for substance use. Liking yourself can be part of the work. It can also come later.
What if I cannot think of a kind memory?
The handout allows a simple wish to be happy and free from fear when a memory will not come. A person, a pet, or a stranger's kindness can be the scene. Imagine it as present, notice the body, and let the scene fade. If the week includes violence or a fresh loss, do the exercise with a therapist rather than forcing it alone.